the key to conquering burnout
those of you who know me know that i have been in a season of burnout. 2019 was hard. 2020 has brought along whole another set of challenges. on top of my personal struggles, it felt like the whole world was crashing before my eyes. my nation has exploded into flames — literally and figuratively.
for the first time in my life, i saw these dark shadows form under my eyes, like someone had punched me twice square in the face. i would look into the mirror and barely recognize myself. not only that, i felt this tension beneath, within and surrounding my eyes that i had never felt before. it’s like there were two invisible weights attached to my eye balls that were trying all they could to pull my eyes to the ground. (vivid imagery, i know — but that’s how it felt.) man, and no matter how much i tried to sleep, that tension and heaviness would just not go away. i don’t know why i couldn’t sleep it off.
then i realized why. i wasn’t just body tired.
i was soul, spirit and mind tired.
utterly depleted.
no words or energy left.
i think all my life i’ve been so used to pouring out my heart and soul to and for people that i’ve forgotten to take care of myself. i admit that i suffer from savior’s complex, so it’s my natural inclination to put all of the world’s, my friends’ and family’s burdens on my shoulders to carry on my own. but Lord knows, that is way too much for any person, any human to carry. working to support survivors of trafficking and gender violence has been a dream come true, but it breaks my heart every day to hear the details of how precious people created in the image of God were abused and trampled upon in awfully twisted and malicious ways. vicarious trauma, also known as compassion fatigue, is a real thing, y’all. my pastor says i’m at the “excruciating and excruciatingly challenging gap between justice and evil, mercy and death.” it’s true. i need and greatly appreciate your past and present prayers for me in this.
in spite of it all, in spite of the pain, heartache, and utter exhaustion, i am seeing and feeling the presence of Jesus in a way i’ve never felt before. my non-profit gave us one day off to stand in solidarity with the black community, and that day, i slept really early the night before and woke up around 6/6:30 AM, which is crazy for me because i am so NOT an early bird.
i took my breakfast outside and just sat looking up at the trees and listening to birds chirping. every time i hear and see the birds, they sound so playful and happy, flying brisk, flying free. they have not a single drop of worry. seeing and hearing them remind me that God takes good care of them. so, surely, surely, would He not take care of me?
i closed my eyes, taking deep breaths and the image of Jesus and His disciples on a boat in the middle of the raging storm came to mind. at nighttime, they were sailing peaceably until a furious storm came. waves crashed and swept over them until the boat was filing with water and was nearly swamped.
meanwhile, Jesus of all things was SLEEPING on a PILLOW. His disciples were like, DUDE, JESUS WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING, CAN’T YOU SEE THERE’S A INSANELY CRAZY STORM HAPPENING?!? JESUS, DON’T YOU CARE?!?!? Jesus wakes up and without hesitation, He commands the storm to calm down. the winds died down and it was completely calm and at peace around them.
in that moment, I felt the Lord saying to me,
I care.
at that moment, I broke down crying — ugly crying, sobbing, weeping tears birthed from the deepest recesses of my soul, weeping in a way i have never before.
you see, Jesus could sleep ON A PILLOW in the middle of a crazy terrifying storm because He knew His Father was in control and going to take care of them. He knew that even though the storm was raging around them,
in the end, they would be ok.
because His Father cared.
it’s only now i’ve realized that i have been struggling so much because i struggle with trusting that God has everything under His control. it’s so easy to get caught up in the swirl of the news and destruction around me, that i forget to rest in the arms of my Savior. i run and run and run towards justice, knowledge, distraction, sleep. i run until i get tired and have nothing left. i try to sleep but can never get the rest i need.
that week, i ugly cried three times in presence of the Lord. it was exactly what i needed. to pray as the prophet Habakkuk did, asking questions like “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?” i cried out of an unspeakable hopelessness and shamelessly yearning desperation, asking God where He is in the midst of this.
ultimately i prayed this, inspired by the final words of the prophet:
.
though i do not see justice and mercy around me
though i do not see much compassion and love
though my heart is broken by my broken relationships
God I will trust
I will trust in You
the God of my Salvation
.
it brought healing to my heart. but still after that, my heart was heavy. the tension in my eyes still there. until tonight.
tonight i found myself on my knees for the first time in a long time. on my knees just worshipping and enjoying the presence of God, my Almighty King and the Creator until the ends of the earth. i’ve normally done this at church when it’s already planned out for me, but man, to do this on my own! like Mary, i just sat in the presence of the Lord, listening to His voice, enjoying His presence.
i now feel that weight beneath my eyes lifted.
He has given rest for my broken spirit, clouded mind and weary soul.
Indeed He is the Living Water that quenches the deepest thirst within us for purpose, joy and meaning. A thirst that nothing else in this world can satisfy. He restore our souls, giving us a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
now i’m not saying if you follow Christ, it’s always easy. that if you become a Christian, all of your problems will be solved. in fact, more challenges may come your way.
but what i can say is that if you choose to follow Jesus, you will find a life of
freedom,
joy,
&
complete satisfaction
you won’t be able to find anywhere else.
blindly bold, ignorant, even naïvely stupid, people may call me.
but this is the thing — if you had the cure to cancer and you yourself had been healed of cancer with this very cure, wouldn’t you want to share it with the world? if you had an incredible gift that could give people purpose and meaning, wouldn’t you want to yell it off the rooftops and share it with the people you love and care for so dearly? i am a living example of the work of Christ. in spite of all of my weaknesses, faults and failures, depression and despair, God has been my Rock through it all. i pray that those who have the ears will listen. i wish, hope and pray only the very best for you all.
The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make His face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn His face toward you
and give you peace.
(Numbers 6:24–26. A song inspired by this blessing.)
❤
.
7 practical ways to Rest (thought up with the help of some wise friends):
- put on the armor of God every day. the battle’s not against flesh and blood. spiritual warfare is real. we can’t see it, but it’s happening. but fear not! (mentioned 365 times in the Bible for every day of the year) His perfect love casts out all fear. memorize the different pieces of armor and use hand motions to “put on” each piece as you say it to yourself out loud to remind yourself of their vital importance. remember — we are living FROM a victory, not for a victory. WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO LOVES US!!!
- sabbath. every week, have a day when you STOP WORKING and do what makes you feel alive and enjoy being in this world — paint, dance, play ball, DO IT. have a time when you stop working EVERY DAY. as another one of my pastors says, “We keep Sabbath not because it makes us more productive at work. We keep it to resist the idol of productivity. We are more than what we produce.” You are worthy even when you aren’t the most efficient. So, REST. YOU CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP. (gotta preach this to myself every day!)
- silence. taking time to be still & silent really helps. even if it’s for two minutes. really. focus on your breathing. four seconds in, four seconds out. sigh out loud as you breathe out. no shame. breath in God’s truth. breathe out your fears, worries and burdens. ask God for peace.
- sleep.
- nature. take time to observe and take in the different sights, smells, sounds and feels around you. i’ve recently discovered time-lapse of flowers videos where you can see flowers bloom before your eyes and videos of stars at night (oh how i miss the joyous delight of taking in the tapestry of innumerable stars not tainted by light pollution). i also like listening to the rain and pulling up a fireplace video where you can hear the cracklings of a toasty fire and feel a little warmer too. ;)
- learn to say no. or if you have substantial difficulty in saying no like me, ask yourself and pray for wisdom on “when to say yes.” if you don’t hear a clear answer, the default should be no. that will give you time to think rather than feel the pressure to give an answer or commit to something right away. there are times you may be called to give out of your reservoir, but definitely not always.
- unplug, unplug, unplug. IT IS OKAY TO UNPLUG. IT IS OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE NEWS. IT IS OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA AND CARING FOR OTHERS TO TAKE TIME TO CARE FOR YOURSELF AND REST THE WAY YOU NEED TO. YOUR MENTAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
*bonus* this sermon series, Burnout: Caring for Your Soul in an Exhausted World, has been incredibly helpful to me. i borrowed a couple of tips from it listed above. :D
i hope this helps to know that you’re not alone.
it’s a process.
healing and restoration takes time.
be patient with yourself.
give yourself grace.
forget what’s behind
strain towards what is ahead
press on towards the goal in your calling
fixing your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfect of our faith
He will be your strength and rest in your time of need and want.
i leave you a couple of sweet melodies here and here, and a little poem I wrote:
grace and peace, my dear friends, family, strangers i have yet to meet from near and far. i love you. God loves you more. you are fearfully and wonderfully made. remember that. ❤
