Nothing is Wasted.
Nothing is wasted.
One of my mentors told me this when I was struggling through the challenges of law school, and it has stuck with me ever since.
When I look back at my 26 years of life, I can’t help my see God’s hand in every part of it. He was there through my doubt, darkest times and most joyous moments. The things I never thought I could do, He gave me this unshakable confidence to do.
I never thought this shy little girl could one day speak in front of large groups of people with no fear, because of the Spirit of God spoke through her. I never thought this people pleaser could one day become a leader to lead social justice efforts and speak with conviction about Jesus. I never thought this woman reigned by the fear of failure could one day conquer that fear, empowered by the power of Christ, to get through law school and pass the bar on the first try.
Everything I have done is not me, but God in me.
Now let me make it clear, I did not make the best grades during college and law school, nor did I have the best test scores. However, somehow God chose and called me to become a lawyer, even though I didn’t feel equipped. But as one of my newfound sister friends says:
God doesn’t call the equipped — He equips the called.
The two months of studying for the bar were the most mentally, emotionally and physically intensive two months of my life. Law school was hard, but studying for the bar was ten times harder. We were told to study 10–12 hours a day, 7 days a week (with maybe a half day of rest)… we were loaded with piles of material to study and workshops to attend. I am grateful for the NCCU community providing us academic support, emotional support as well as physical support in feeding us. Without them, I couldn’t have done it. But most importantly, all the glory goes to God. I studied 10 hours a day and 6 days a week, and some days I would feel guilty for not being able to study as much as my peers… but I felt strongly about not overexerting myself and taking Sabbath, and that I did.
Honestly, after hour 12 of taking the two-day bar exam, I wasn’t sure how I did. I wasn’t the most confident that I passed, but I knew I had tried my best. I had never worked so hard for anything in my life and I truly put into practice Colossians 3:23, which says: “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”
There were some rough days though. There were days I cried and wondered if I could do it. But I am also so grateful to my sisters and brothers at NCCU, my church, family and friends who fought with me in prayer. Especially to those who took the bar with me, we fought the good fight, we tried our best and gave it to God!! We did it!!
Nothing is wasted.
The four months of wait were grueling… did I pass or did I not? But I am grateful to have been in Discipleship Training School (DTS) for three of those months… it was wonderful to have people praying for me and to have this time dedicated to the Lord. It was exactly what I needed.
Something I was struggling with at the time was why God had called me to become a lawyer while I also had this heart for missions. I thought to myself, if I fail, maybe that a sign that I should not pursue law and become a missionary. If I pass, maybe it would be easy for my parents to let me continue studying the Bible for nine months and then go back to law… in my mind I thought of all the permutations of the what-ifs, but in the end, I had to trust that “whatever the result, God is still sovereign and Lord over my life. I tried my best and whether I pass or fail, it doesn’t change my value or worth. Whether I pass or fail, it doesn’t change the fact that God has great plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. God is good. So good. Let whatever happen that will glorify You the most. Not me, but You.”
So for the past five months, I struggled with this question: God, do you want me to be a missionary or lawyer? God told me both. God wants me to integrate all my passions for the purpose of glorifying His name. He wants to integrate my passion for social justice, for women and children, for the abused, abandoned, neglected, for survivors of human trafficking, for sharing the love of Jesus. He wants to use all of it. He sees my heart to glorify His name in all I do and has listened to my cries. O, Praise Him! I can’t wait to see what He will do in and through my life!
Nothing is wasted.
During outreach in India, God revealed Himself to us in great and mighty ways. We saw firsthand how His perfect love casts out all fear, how His love heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds, how much God loves the poor and look-down-upon in this world…. how God is Love and Love is God. Our lives have been transformed by this God who is Love.
Personally, God broke the strong chains of doubt, fear and worry over my life. I shared openly that I struggled with believing God was even real before coming to DTS. I had built my whole life on Jesus’ existence… my identity, worth, satisfaction and comfort was in Him… and I was scared that if somehow God didn’t exist as I thought, my whole life would crumble into pieces. At one point, I just asked God to give me the faith of half a mustard seed. He promised the faith of a tiny mustard seed could move mountains. I just asked for half.
God heard my cries and answered them. He revealed Himself in many ways that writing them all down wouldn’t do Him justice. Like what John said at the end of his book, “Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.”
He gave me a Bible verse that showed up four times in the matter of 24 hours, He used acquaintances and strangers to encourage me numerous ways that could only be God-inspired, the list goes on and on and on…
One such encounter was when I was struggling with surrendering the idols in my life to God and doubting God’s will for me in my life. I felt like Peter… He was known as a disciple who really loved Jesus, but somehow He denied following Jesus three times right after Jesus was crucified. Seriously?? He was the only disciple recorded to walk on water. Peter took that step of faith to walk on the tumultuous waters in the midst of the storm. But the moment he took His eyes off Jesus and took note of the storm raging around him, he began to sink. When thinking this, I identified a lot with Peter.
Just a couple days later, a sister from church I had never talked to before came up to me… we started talking and she started sharing with me how she ended up being a missionary and she shared the same exact thought I had a couple nights before! She too identified with Peter in the same way! In fact, her phone background was the painting of Peter sinking, reaching out for Jesus, a painting I had admired not too long before…
Coincidence? I think not. So many of these encounters happened that I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that God is real. And that brings me great joy. To know that there is a living God, who is our Father, Savior and Friend, is the greatest news in the world! Through Jesus, I am able to live a live free of fear and worry! Through Jesus, I have this glorious, inexpressible joy, a peace that words cannot explain and a hope that never fails. How great is that!
This is not to say I have everything together. No. It’s because I don’t have everything together that I need Jesus.
The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. (Colossians 1:15–20).
Jesus is the best gift in the world!
I still don’t know what my life will look like this upcoming year, the next five years, or next ten years, but I will say the same prayer I prayed the night before my bar results came out:
“God, I don’t know the path in front of me. All I know is that your Word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. I cannot see very far from where I am standing, but I know you can see far beyond the dark, O Lord. I trust you, Lord.
Nothing is wasted.
