loneliness
Hi, my name is Rachel. I’m 22 (quickly approaching 23) years old, and have never been in a relationship.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re even out there. Would you be willing to live below our means, because it means we could give more to those who need it? Would you move to Honduras or Madagascar with me just for the heck of it, or because God’s calling us there? Would you be willing to spend our date nights playing with kids in underprivileged situations or lending out a helping hand, because it brings you such joy to serve those around you? Would you learn a new language, dance, skill, or art with me, just for fun?
Some days I feel lonely, and finding you seems hopeless… but then I have to remind myself that you won’t be there for me to feel less lonely; you will be there so the both of us can better learn and practice what it means to love like Jesus does, to better serve Him.
But let’s be real, I can’t and refuse to sit and wait for you. Of course there are times when I question why singleness is said to be a gift.. but still, I must make use of this season of life. This is a time where I can focus my undivided attention towards my Redeemer, heart fully set on Him.
Honestly, if I had a boyfriend in college, I don’t think I would’ve developed as much as a leader, or made the time or energy to stir into reality the dreams and initiatives that fired me up. I don’t believe I would’ve grown and matured as much spiritually in college, and even this past semester in law school. This is not to say dating is college is bad, absolutely not, but for me, not dating worked out really well. Before and even during college, I wasn’t as confident as I am now, so I could’ve easily relied too much on a boyfriend for affirmation and been so emotionally invested that I didn’t work to execute the initiatives that I did.
It will still be a struggle, I am certain, but for now I will hold onto these words: “…don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life…”
It’s not just you, though. A lot of the loneliness I felt last semester is I believe due to not really finding a set community immediately. In college, I made friends in the snap of a finger. It was so easy.. I was so immersed in the spiritual and collegiate community that to be honest, I didn’t strive as much for God on my own, because I was surrounded by people who loved Him. Now, when I see my church only once or twice a week, I am forced to stand on my own two feet in fighting for Him during the rest of the week. During this period of what felt like isolation, I was really taught what it means to depend on God completely. Yes, I had people I could call up to talk, and a group of people at school for whom I am SO grateful, but they couldn’t fill up the void in my being. They would try to fill it, but their efforts weren’t sufficient to sustain me.
In this, I had to learn to seek God first as my refuge, comfort, strength, all of it.
I can’t say every time I pray or read the Bible, I immediately felt better. In all honesty, the pain was still there, I just had Someone there holding me through it. During these past couple months, thoughts I never thought would come up infiltrated my mind. There were days when I would look out to a balcony, and wonder what would happen if I jumped, when I would prepare to cross a street, I would wonder what would happen if a car just rolled over my body. Would it matter? Would anyone care? When these thoughts came in, I had to remind myself of the devastation it would bring to my family and friends, I did have friends, right? Worst of all, it would say that this life I am living for Christ is not worth it. It would say that Christ isn’t sufficient. So, that’s what kept me from acting in those moments.
But still, the reasons preventing me from hurting myself were for the sake of other people. They completely skipped over that of myself. Somehow in between of poor test scores and bouts of loneliness, I had forgotten my innate worth as a creation of the Almighty God of the Universe, who loves me with all my troublesome habits and flaws, and who will never stop loving me even if I fail Him time after time again. I had forgotten who I was.
For the first time in my life it seemed, I had to practice the art of sword fighting, spitting out His Word with fire to fight against all the fears, insecurities, and worries weighing me down. Every week, my aunt and I would memorize a piece of scripture, repeating it over and over again, up to ten times over. For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. One day, after an exhausting couple of days, I broke down completely. So I ran. I ran until my legs stopped carrying me, all the while crying out to God. I felt so weak. All I wanted to do was give up. This isn’t what I asked for. It wasn’t the dream I envisioned. Why, God, why?
I had forgotten these truths. Though circumstantially these moments weren’t pleasant (by far), in them, I was able to realize how desperately I needed Jesus to keep me going. I was learning what it meant to be gold refined in the fire. I’d heard of this analogy several times before, but now I was actually experiencing it. As explained by Keller, “Gold is a precious metal, and if you put it through fire it may soften or melt but it will not kindle and go to ashes. However, gold can be filled with impurities that indeed can be destroyed. If put through the fire they burn off or rise to surface to be skimmed off by the gold smith. In a sense, the fire ‘tries’ to destroy the metal put into the fire but only succeeds in making it more pure and beautiful” (228).
So, all of this, all of this that I went through was not, not ever in vain. Instead, it has refined my perseverance, discipline, faith, my character, me… it has taught me so much. I never thought I would say this, but I am thankful for this experience. As one of my wise ol’ mentors said “you can’t compare the end of one season to the beginning of another.” Every season serves a special purpose, though you may not see it yet.
Below is a resource that has provide me much encouragement. I highly recommend listening to the sermons on the bottom of the page.
In His Love,
Rachel
- NOTE: While I do believe Christ is more than sufficient and reason why I am still breathing today, but I also believe seeking professional mental health is crucial when needed. If you ever find yourself thinking thoughts of hurting yourself, you need to seek professional help. I had to see a counselor for the first time, and I encourage you to do the same if you find yourself vulnerable psychological state. Remember that you are NEVER alone and deeply loved, and there are SO many people willing to be there for you, including myself.
