joy in suffering.
This year was hands down the most emotionally draining and challenging year of my life.
I feared and I fought.
I loved and I lost.
I sought, but did not find.
I waited, but did not see.
It was hard.
There were many days when I contemplated death, thinking that perhaps it could be an out, an escape from the pain I was going through. (It’s not!)
The pain of not being where I imagined myself to be
The pain of feeling misunderstood by those I love
The pain of being far from those I care about and understood
The pain
The pain of feeling so, awfully alone
The pain of my dreams being crushed
The pain of not feeling good enough or equipped to do anything right
There was days when I lost my sense of purpose
When I felt like all I could see was darkness
But you know what?
It was worth it.
*Deep inhale, deep exhale*
I wouldn’t give up a single thing I went through for the world.
And I mean that.
Why?
Because I have become so much stronger through and in spite of my pain and suffering.
In my pain, I have been able to see how incredibly real God is.
A good Father, close Friend when no one seemed to understand,
He understood.
A confidant, who gently cradled my heart while comforting me with His warm embrace, when I had no words to even express how I was feeling.
I look back on this year and now I see:
When I felt like only darkness surrounded me, it was because I had my eyes closed. I was blinded by the tumultuous waves of painful circumstance that it didn’t even occur to me to just open my eyes.
But in the moments when I remembered to open them, I saw there was clearly light dancing everywhere around me, ever-present like a gentle breeze on a cool, spring day.
Light in the eyes of the beautiful souls I’d meet
Light in the autumn leaves cascading off elegantly tall trees
Light in the invisible yet strangely tangible Love of Christ.
In my pain, I realized how easily fear and anxiety could rule over my life.
I feared so much.
I feared failing at my job and at my relationships.
I feared not living up to the standard of those I loved.
I was anxious about making mistakes or wrong decisions.
I was anxious about making others anxious.
Again, like throughout law school, God was teaching me that
He is SO much greater than all of my fears and anxieties combined.
That indeed, God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of
Power
Love, and
Self-discipline
(2 Timothy 1:7)
He commands us not to fear or be anxious,
But in prayer and petition,
With thanksgiving
Present our requests to the Lord
And the peace of God
That perfect peace
Which transcends all human understanding
Will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6–7)
.
Now, I do recognize my challenges may not be as intense as others, but that doesn’t discount nor minimize them. In immigrant families, we grow up hearing stories of how our parents, uncles, aunties and grandparents sacrificed so, so much to get where they are now and give us this incredible life. So often, I’ve heard elders say, “I don’t understand why young people who have ‘everything’ — a good education, family, career, financial status, friends— can be depressed. Do they know what we went through? They haven’t even had a taste of the hardship we’ve experienced — not having enough food to eat, dealing with cancer, or the pain of being separated from your family for years!”
It’s true that many of our families have sacrificed much to get us where we are. Without them, we probably wouldn’t have had the same opportunities — violin lessons, piano lessons, tennis lessons, swimming lessons, art lessons, all the lessons!
Or maybe you didn’t come from that kind of family and have had to build your life from the ground up. I commend you and am proud of you.
No matter what your story is, it is worthy of telling.
Your challenges are real and significant because you live through them, day after day after day.
Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
This season, though excruciatingly difficult, has honestly shown me the proven genuineness of my faith, more precious than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire. As 1 Peter 1 says, though we have not seen God, we love Him. And even though we do not see Him now, we believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for we are receiving the end result of our faith — the salvation of our souls.
In spite and in the midst of my suffering, I have been able to find joy, hope and peace that minds can’t fathom in God — of greater value than anything else this world can offer.
It’s so easy to live for the next season, thinking we’d be happier if we just had that one thing. We work so hard to get into a good college or grad school to secure a good job. Then we spend all our time trying to find “the one” so we can finally settle down and raise a family.
But we forget to sit and enjoy the process.
A mentor gave me this advice that has greatly helped me:
1. Be faithful in the NOW. Be faithful in the little things, so you can be faithful in the big things.
2. Find joy in the NOW. Don’t let the future dictate your happiness. Your joy comes from enjoying the Lord’s presence NOW.
3. Honor God in this season. Don’t worry about what will happen next. Don’t think so much about the “what-ifs” and “could be’s.”
I am so incredibly grateful to my mentors, family and friends who have walked with me in this season of wilderness, offering me sparks of joy and hope and reminding me of how sovereign and faithful our God is. Thank you for being my little guardian angels.
For you who are reading this, I hope and pray that this reflection can be healing for you to know that you are not alone in your struggle. I pray that if you don’t already know the love, peace, and joy that comes from Christ, that you may know Him. I pray that if you’re struggling right now, God comforts you and sends His angels to guard and protect you. That you know He loves you and is right there beside you, holding you.
Pain and suffering is never fun, but I trust that in God’s Kingdom,
Nothing,
Nothing is wasted.
I hope and pray the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:16–18 over you:
That you do not lose heart.
Trust that though outwardly you are wasting away,
Inwardly you are being renewed day by day.
For your light and momentary afflictions are achieving for you
an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but
Fix your eyes on what is unseen,
since what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
If you feel like this whole Jesus thing sounds a little crazy, that’s okay. I’ve had my moments of doubt, wondering if God was even out there.
But Jesus said, with the faith of a mustard seed,
A teeny tiny seed, smaller than the size of an ant,
You can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. (Matthew 17:20).
There was moment in time, when I was scared, so scared that God wasn’t real and my experiences with God were based upon feelings, not reality. That if He wasn’t real, everything I’ve built my whole life upon would crumble and burn to the ground. Because up until that point, I had found my satisfaction, joy, identity and purpose in Christ. Everything.
But still I prayed in the midst of my doubt.
I asked God for just the faith of half of a mustard seed. I can’t conjure the faith of a whole seed, but maybe with just half of one, I can move a tree?
Oh Lord, help me.
I held my palms open to the sky, and asked God, “If you’re really real, please reveal yourself to me, because I desperately want and need you to be real. Please help overcome my unbelief.”
And that He did. It took time. Lots of time, but He has revealed Himself to me in so many different ways, in ways the mind can’t comprehend or remotely grasp, in ways that can’t be mere coincidence.
For He says,
“For I know the plans I have plans for you.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
To give you a hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
And I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you,”
declares the Lord,
“And will bring you back from captivity.
I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,”
declares the Lord,
“And will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Now, you might wonder,
God, why did you allow me to go through this? Don’t you see I’m suffering?
Know this:
Jesus weeps when you weep.
He is in pain when you are in pain.
He knows and feels your pain like no one else can.
I don’t know why you are going through what you are going through.
But I do know that His grace is sufficient.
When you feel weak and helpless,
He will indeed give you just the strength you need.
The joy of the Lord will be your strength.
He will give you rest.
You will come out of this so much stronger.
And one day, you’ll be able to encourage someone else going through a similar struggle and say:
This too shall pass.
You will be okay.
Rest.
Be still and know God is carrying you through your pain.
You will be okay.
So have hope.
Don’t lose heart.
God loves you so much,
More than you ever will know.
❤
