I’ve always been a big dreamer. As a child, I’d dream of a world without war, poverty or injustice. I’d dream of taking part in humanitarian missions to spread the love of Christ in word and deed. But now I realize I had only dreamed in the way that I was comfortable.
It wasn’t until I completed my J.D. degree and was more than half way through bar prep that I allowed myself and was emboldened to dream even bigger. To one day become a Congresswoman, a UN Ambassador, a judge.
In fifth grade, I remember one of my friends raised her hand to nominate me for class president, but I said “no,” for fear of running and not making it. I didn’t feel like I was capable.
In ninth grade, when I finally built up all the courage in me to run for student government and had spent hours on writing a speech full of ideas to make the school better.. I froze. My hands shook as I held the papers with my speech and I barely made eye contact with the camera. I was not elected.
In tenth grade (or was it eleventh grade?), I ran for student government again. This time, I tried to do what everyone else was doing. Students were elected for fun and catchy slogans, so I did the same. No speech with exciting ideas. I was not elected.
In spite of it all, I decided to apply to be a part of the student government to help plan prom and was admitted.
I look back at my former self, and am grateful for trying in the midst of my failures.
The fear of failure is something that grips a lot of us. I didn’t realize how big of a grip it had on me until I went to law school and prepared for the bar.
I remember during the LSAT, I freaked out in the middle of the exam thinking “I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna fail”….
But… through the grace of God and many prayers, during the bar exam, I was able to have a peace I’ve never quite had during standardized tests.
The bar consists of 12 hours of testing over 2 days. 6 essays, two memos/legal documents, and 200 multiple choice questions. I would wake up at 6:45 AM and would end the day at 6 PM.
Now, after the exam, I am at peace with whatever happens. I worked the hardest I have ever worked, for God and not anyone else, including myself. If I pass, praise God. If I fail, praise God. Because throughout this whole process I’ve learned and grown so much… so this has been worth it.
I can’t help but think of 2 Corinthians 4 about how we have a treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but no destroyed;
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
So we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Whatever I experience, whatever failure, hardship, challenge, I will get through it. It may strike me down, but it will not destroy me. It will not ruin me. Because I have hope and faith in a God who is so much bigger than myself. A God that does not give me fear or a spirit of timidity, but gives me power, love, and self-discipline. A God who is able to do “immeasurably more” than what I can ask or imagine, according to His power at work within me.
I do not know the path before me, I do not know where I will end up, but I know I will spend the rest of my life fighting against injustice and for a Love that is never failing and unconditional.
Thank you friends and family for marching alongside me during this difficult, but growing part of my life. I am forever grateful.
