Being proud of your accomplishments is not a bad thing, especially when you’ve worked so hard for it (as it is He who empowers us), but we must be wary of that proud converting to pride. Identical in root, variant in character, stemmed differently by the resounding “i” in the center.
It was never my dream to become a lawyer. It was my parents’ dream. My uncle’s dream. Never mine. Instead, I dreamed of becoming a teacher, a missionary showing people how deeply they are loved by God and strangers, a social worker, an advocate… but wait, advocate.. isn’t that what a lawyer does? [Pause.] //
I grew up loving school, not only because I loved learning, but admittedly, because I was good at it. I was top of my class until seventh or eight grade, and since then, my passion for learning in the classroom started slipping as with my class rank. Though I call college my “golden years,” they weren’t my golden years because I academically excelled; they were my golden years because I felt like I was making a difference. I felt needed, I felt loved constantly, I felt important. I was finally proud of who I had become.
When I moved to the Triangle, knowing a total count of four, all of that was stripped away from me. I had to rebuild my identity, piece by piece, because again, I was a blank canvas to those around me. It was hard to finally admit, but I realized that instead of storing my treasures in heaven, I had dug a big ol’ hole on earth, relying on other peoples’ admiration and approval to fuel me. I realized that no matter how much I had tried to fight it when I was younger… still, I was a people pleaser. I wanted people to like me. Yes, I told myself and those around me that I wanted to devote my life to serving God and His people, but now I see that not all of it was as pure and untainted as I thought.
Coming here has forced me reorient my life back to facing fully toward Him. Now, my main focus was to study, so naturally, I would not have as much time to volunteer or socialize as much as I used to. I had to learn what it meant to glorify God through my studies, a concept I had great difficulty understanding and practicing. I can’t even begin to explain the rigor and discipline demanded in law school; essentially you must be knocked down completely, so that you may be built up, fortified. Every day I would ask God why He called me here, when I could’ve worked at my dream organization already, why He called me to be at a place where I don’t naturally flourish. Every day I wanted to give up so badly. But something kept me going every day.
Boy, did God have a plan for me. Though I tell you not all of this was revealed to me immediately, here’s what I’ve gained so far:
- Sometimes you are called to a place where you don’t naturally flourish, because God wants to train you in areas you are lacking in. For me, it’s always been discipline I struggle with, and here, I am forced to exercise the feeble muscles of it, so they may be strengthened.
- Sometimes you are called to a place where you don’t naturally flourish, because God wants you to have greater empathy for others. I’ve grown up having black friends, but it’s another thing entirely to be going to a school where the majority of the population experiences institutionalized racism regularly. I am unbelievably blessed to have the opportunity to listen, so I can better understand its depth to work to combat it.
- Lastly, and most importantly, sometimes you are called to a place where you don’t naturally flourish, because God wants you to reorient yourself towards Him. I was so focused on my vision of combatting injustice for God that I had almost become my own god, making God conform to my desires, instead of me conforming to His.*
I never thought I’d be looking back on this already, seeing how God has already revealed in my heart how He’s been refining me. This semester, two days felt like a week, and three weeks equated to months… I found myself in a dark place. But still, in that darkness, God was able to be my lamp showing a path unto my feet. In that darkness, I have been able to engrave His Word onto my heart, using it as a sword against the things of this world weighing me down. In that darkness, I was able to be reminded once again how desperately I am in need of Him. And for that I am grateful.
Not everyone has such an opportunity to get such a degree. Yet so many days I’ve found myself forgetting why I was brought here in the first place. I had long forgotten this, but did you know Jesus describes the promised Spirit as an advocate, or paraklete, which means ‘someone called alongside to help’? Some translate it as counselor or comforter…[but] advocate adds a different layer, as it was also used to describe a legal counsel or defense attorney. Our Helper — the Spirit of God — was sent by Jesus to help us in our time of need (Our Daily Bread). How perfect and good. The Holy Spirit was sent to help us in our time of need; He is our advocate. Though granted I will have my shortcomings, I hope one day I can be one as well.
*Gathered from prayer, conversations and wise ol’ Keller
